THE FUNNIEST ROACH STORY YOU'VE EVER HEARD

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THE FUNNIEST ROACH STORY YOU'VE EVER HEARD

All week, I've been writing Parts 1, 2, and 3 of "Marriage and the Cockroach Caper." They involved a roach incident in our home when we dealt with three cockroaches that we later found out had come from an uncapped pipe under the kitchen sink. The hose to the sprayer attachment on my sink had knocked the cap off, and on the cap were the words in red Do Not Remove. Goes to Sewer. Once we recapped the pipe, our problem disappeared, thank the Lord.

But the heart of the stories was about my expectations of my husband and his expectations of me, and how they were poles apart, and how we dealt with them (see posts). That was the whole purpose of the posts. Since today is Friday, I'll wind things up with one more story about the disgusting creatures, and then it's on to something else. Hopefully, it'll give you a laugh.

When our grandson Alexander was not quite three, Milton and I kept him a week. When Sunday morning came, Milton went to church early (he's the pastor), leaving me to get Alexander ready. Addendum: Alexander is a very active little boy.

I'll never forget that Sunday morning…it was a rat race around here…er…roach race.

Jelly toast and milk down (Alexander). Makeup on (me). Chase Alexander (me). Potty (Alexander). Hair done (me). Chase Alexander (me). Potty (Alexander). Dress (me). Chase Alexander (me). Clothes on (Alexander). Potty (Alexander). Chase Alexander (me). Pack diaper bag with extra clothes in case of potty-training accident. Pack sippy cup with plenty of milk.

Get him in car and carseat. Three hard-to-buckle buckles on carseat.

Oh, remember to take big broad-brimmed safari hat to VBS teacher. Find. Put in car. Gentle Florida rain starts. Spot umbrella on front seat. Good. Drive to church. Park under giant oak tree at curb. Get out of car. Open back door. Put purse straps on shoulder, diaper bag on arm, broad-brimmed safari hat in one hand (too dignified to stick it on my head), open umbrella in other hand, dodge rain, go to other side of car where carseat is, try to get Alexander out. Can't. Car parked too close to hill of grass over curb.

Walk to other side of car. Sippy cup falls out of diaper bag into water puddle. Squat down and retrieve it. Purse falls off shoulder into water puddle. Pick up sippy cup, stick in diaper bag, zip this time. Pick up purse and put back on shoulder. Forget big wet spot on dress. Nobody will see it if I hold my arm down all morning.

Continue to juggle purse, diaper bag, broad-brimmed safari hat, and open umbrella while dodging raindrops. Open car door. Crawl across backseat, unbuckle three hard-to-unbuckle buckles, drag Alexander across seat. Shut door. Am now juggling purse, diaper bag, broad-brimmed safari hat, open umbrella plus Alexander. Cross street. Dodge raindrops as we walk to church, him jumping in every water puddle we come to, me getting splashed and saying, "Don't jump in water puddles. You're getting me wet." How can I hide water spots on front of dress? I can't.

Arrive at glass doors of church. Go inside. Greet people. Make sure Alexander is attentive to parishioners as they gichy-goo his neck.

Feel water drops on back of hair. Phooey. Even used an umbrella. Oh, well, I'll dry out. Greet more people. Smile.

Feel water dripping down neck. Eegads. How much rain got on my hair and neck?

Chase Alexander across foyer. Come back to glass doors. Greet more people.

All of a sudden, from my peripheral vision I see a giant cockroach crawling across my shoulder. It takes a flying leap off, dives to the floor, and crawls under the credenza.

I screech, shudder, do a dance, and it ain't no joy jig either. A cockroach was in my hair…on my neck…my shoulders!

Blech.

Greeters gather round. I explain. The cockroach (a Palmetto bug, they assure me, to comfort me) must've fallen off the oak tree where I parked. No time to cry over spilt milk. Alexander's running down the hall. I chase him and finally get him to the nursery, then enter the sanctuary…

What is the moral to this story? Well, I was hurried and harried and frenzied and fraught, and when I entered the sanctuary, the peace of God permeated my soul, and all was forgotten except the presence of Jesus. Later in the service when Milton called me to the platform to speak to the people (he sometimes does that), I told the congregation all that had transpired that morning, and they nearly rolled on the floor as I acted out the antics.

Then I exhorted them to draw near to God no matter what their week was like, whether they'd had a busy week or stressful week or hurtful week, that God was there to meet them.

"Draw near to God and He will draw near to you," I told them. "James 4:8."

They did, and He did.

Now…no more roach stories! For awhile, anyway. Pshew. Dragging hand across forehead…

Check back on Monday to find out the winner of my contest. I'm giving away Nikki Arana's The Winds of Sonoma from her series "Regaldo Grande" (Revell Publishing). It's a beautiful love story…and more.