ARE YOU CONVINCED YOU'VE DONE ALL YOU CAN?, BY MY HUSBAND MILTON
A comment was made on my blog on Monday, and my heart went out to Anonymous, the commenter. In fact, I haven't been able to get her and her situation off of my mind. I asked my husband Milton to write a response, which he did, below. I hope, Anonymous, that it will help you. My prayers are going up for you.
The Comment: I have been married for 4 years now. I have been with my husband for 6 years. The last 3 years he has become addicted to serious drugs..I stuck it out and supported him in hopes that he would be able to get over his addiction...but one drug has led to another and so on. I just filed my divorce papers 3 days ago for the 2nd. time. The 1st time I did not end up going through with it. I sometimes wish I just had got it over with then. Me and my son have been hurt too much and I feel like I could have prevented it. Then I go to church and I hear preaching...about husbands that need to be saved.....I wonder if I am doing the right thing??? ANY ADVICE?????
The Advice By My husband Milton: The safety of you and your son is vital. As a pastor, I would not advise a spouse to remain in an unsafe environment, so your separation was probably in everyone’s best interests. Obviously, your husband needs the Lord, so keep praying and believing, and give God time to work in his life. Divorce is a very hard experience so it should be a last resort.
I suggest you get spiritual counseling and take more time to work through to the best decision. While it is extremely difficult to wait and deal with a husband who is hurting his family and himself, every effort should be made to salvage the marriage and home. When there are small ones involved, I think it requires extra determination to work through the issues. If the marriage can be mended, one day the child will thank you more than you know.
There are no simple solutions to such complex problems, but God is able to help us so that we know we have done everything possible. Look to Him as your strength and wisdom. God will not fail.
If your husband doesn’t respond, once you know you have done all you can to save the marriage, then rest in your decision and be at peace. At this point, I am not sure you are convinced you have done all you can do.
posted by Kristy Dykes @ 7:05 AM
8 comments
8 Comments:
Actually, at this point, I really feel like I have done EVERYTHING that I possibly can. I have tried to support him and it is just hard now considering there is absolutely NO trust left. Stealing, lying, and so much more things have gone on including putting me and my son in harms way....I still love him but I keep hearing that in order for a drug addicit to get over their problem they have to hit rock bottom....I have kicked him out and we were seperated for a good 6 months.. I thought him loosing his family and his house, etc. was "hitting rock bottom" but I obviously was wrong. I guess what I am wondering is: in God's eyes is it okay for me to get a divorce....I know that him being an addict is something he is going to have to deal with for the rest of his life and to be honest with you I can not emotionally handle any more heart aches... I basically for the last 2 years have been alone and doing everything involving the house and raising our 4 year old on my own anyways so I feel like I should make it "official" ...like then maybe he will feel like he really is loosing everything and want to then finally straighten up... I guess since I have been burned so many times and literally lied to everyday for the last 3 years, I kind of feel like I deserve more and like maybe God is giving me a sign... I have been praying about this for 3 years too....yet he keeps giving me signs that he is never gonna get better...he keeps giving me signs........ My husband not too long ago went to a church and got baptized....then he just fell away from it.....I just don't know. Anyways..thanks for your response.
Kristy, may I jump in here?
Anonymous:
My prayers go out to you as well. As Pastor Milton suggested, seek God's peace. It's hard to see and think clearly when one is in so much pain. You feel like you need to make a decision now--the situation seems to be worsening, the pressure mounting--but you don't (as long as you continue to protect the safety of yourself and your child.)
In God's peace, there is clarity and renewed strength. Decisions made in peace are rarely second-guessed or regretted. The choices you are considering are forever.
Oh, yes, Patricia, I'm glad you jumped in. I like my readers to respond.
You're exactly right. I love your statement: "In God's peace, there is clarity and renewed strength."
At breakfast this morning, after I'd posted on my blog, my husband and I were talking about Anonymous. He said that God can deal with/save/deliver her husband AFTER a divorce. I think that's what you're saying, Anonymous.
On another note, he IS addicted. And we have to realize that addiction runs in families BUT--and that's a great bit BUT--God can rescue a person from a long family line of addiction. I know because I've seen it happen many times.
He needs deliverance.
A former alcoholic recently told me that he still craves alcohol, especially after a long day of work (physical labor). This person is a born-again, on-fire-for-God believer who was delivered from alcohol. But he told me he makes a choice to NOT give in, and God strengthens him and helps him.
Teen Challenge is an excellent program with one of the highest "cure" rates for addictions in the nation. I think former President Bush even recognized them as being such. The name is old, and the org. started out helping teens but now helps people of any age.
There are centers all over the U.S. The person has to WANT to enroll; they don't take anyone against their will. The person has to move far away most of the time, but the spouse/family can visit.
Maybe this is a possible answer, Anonymous.
Again, I'm praying for YOU.
Thank you. He has tried several places for rehab as well as meetings. But you are right he is an addict and has to deal with it for the rest of his life and not to say that alcohol is not a bad addiction but what he is doing and has done is much much worse, It has completely changed him. He is not even the same person. I am not sure if he ever will be. I do however feel that divorce is what I need to do. Then like I said later down the road MAYBE I can get over all the hurt he has caused me and our family. I am just not so sure though. It is not that I want to find someone else to treat me better and handle their responsibility ( like I said I do it all on my own)...it is just that I can not deal with him anymore...I really have tried to get him closer to God but then I feel you can only do so much for a person... you also can only be taken advantage of so much...the saying " fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me" ....well shame on me 100,000 times over. It is going to be hard for me I know but I have been struggling to keep my family's head above water for 3 years now and I will continue to do so. Thank God I am blessed with a wonderful family who supports me and helps me when I need it. I will continue to pray for the right resolution. And of course I will always pray that he finds his way to God. I really appreciate your insight.
I think you've made the right decision. God will guide you and help you.
I hope so. :) Long road ahead.....Thanks again.
This is Milton's comment, below. He wasn't able to get his comment to go through, for some reason.
Milton: All of the comments and suggestions for Anonymous are great. I understand Anonymous' dilemma and will be praying for guidance from the Lord. This is a huge and complex problem that needs personal spiritual counseling. God will help you and make a way for you. Trust Him and believe Him.
Finally, if Anonymous goes through spiritual counseling, and if there should be no change in her husband, and she has done all she can to work through it with him, then I don't feel that divorce would be wrong. But...divorce should be the last resort.
Anonymous, You've gotten some great advice. I'd like to add one thing. You should look into a support group called Al-Anon. This is a special support group for family members dealing with an alcoholic loved one. I've heard good things about them. They deal with problems like this all the time and could be a good resource for you. Here is the number for your area to get info about meeting locations etc. 904-350-0600. I got that off their website at www.al-anon.alateen.org/english
Just my opinion but if your husband won't get clean you need to get out. It's too dangerous and too many things could go wrong.
I pray you turn to Jesus and a strength and peace will come all over you and you will know just what to do and how to go about it.
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