ARE YOU YOUR SPOUSE'S BEST FRIEND?
Monday, I blogged about my husband Milton doing a teaching on marriage last Saturday entitled "Married for Better Not Worse" to some couples in our church. His first segment was "A Walk Down Memory Lane," and he asked some interesting questions to the group. See Monday's post if you'd like to answer them.
The second part of his teaching was "Be Each Other's Best Friend." He quoted Proverbs 18:24: "A man who has friends must himself be friendly." He also quoted Emerson: "The only way to have a friend is to be one."
He said, "Friendship in marriage is like a one-way street with two lanes side by side, going in the same direction. It's not a two-way street with partners going in totally different directions. There may be many little side roads that you take from time to time as you go through life, but they do not take you away from your main destination. It takes both of you putting forth the effort to keep going in the same direction for your friendship to grow."
He gave us five things a friend is, and as we sat there listening to him, I felt the couples were applying them to their marriages, and I was applying them to mine. After each point, he had us comment and share.
As you read the following points, ask yourself if you are being a friend to your spouse.
A friend is:
1. …someone who accepts me as I am.
"Get rid of the notion that you are going to change your mate—you can't," Milton said. "Our responsibility is to be a better person—not to make the other person better."
I learned a long time ago I couldn't change Milton. As a bride, I certainly wished I could—I saw things in him I didn't like or that I wished he'd do or that he'd act differently. And, it became clear to me that we were opposites in many areas. He was a sports nut; I didn't know what a quarterback was. I loved this; he disliked it; I disliked that; he loved it.
During this time, I happened to see an actress being interviewed on TV, and she said, "Bob and I were opposites, and that's why we couldn't get along. So we divorced."
Sometimes people bail out of their marriages because they've been influenced by things like this, or by friends or coworkers who say, "You don't have to take that. You don't have to live in that."
In the process of coming to the place where I accepted him for who he was (and vice versa), we focused on the things we did have in common. And, they happened to be the biggest things:
The second part of his teaching was "Be Each Other's Best Friend." He quoted Proverbs 18:24: "A man who has friends must himself be friendly." He also quoted Emerson: "The only way to have a friend is to be one."
He said, "Friendship in marriage is like a one-way street with two lanes side by side, going in the same direction. It's not a two-way street with partners going in totally different directions. There may be many little side roads that you take from time to time as you go through life, but they do not take you away from your main destination. It takes both of you putting forth the effort to keep going in the same direction for your friendship to grow."
He gave us five things a friend is, and as we sat there listening to him, I felt the couples were applying them to their marriages, and I was applying them to mine. After each point, he had us comment and share.
As you read the following points, ask yourself if you are being a friend to your spouse.
A friend is:
1. …someone who accepts me as I am.
"Get rid of the notion that you are going to change your mate—you can't," Milton said. "Our responsibility is to be a better person—not to make the other person better."
I learned a long time ago I couldn't change Milton. As a bride, I certainly wished I could—I saw things in him I didn't like or that I wished he'd do or that he'd act differently. And, it became clear to me that we were opposites in many areas. He was a sports nut; I didn't know what a quarterback was. I loved this; he disliked it; I disliked that; he loved it.
During this time, I happened to see an actress being interviewed on TV, and she said, "Bob and I were opposites, and that's why we couldn't get along. So we divorced."
Sometimes people bail out of their marriages because they've been influenced by things like this, or by friends or coworkers who say, "You don't have to take that. You don't have to live in that."
In the process of coming to the place where I accepted him for who he was (and vice versa), we focused on the things we did have in common. And, they happened to be the biggest things:
our faith
our values
and our goals.
When you concentrate on your commonalities, it's easier to let the differences slide and to shake them off.
2. …someone I can talk to.
"Friendship is all about being able to talk about your deep concerns with each other—without judgment or censorship," he said.
In our marriage, we observe an important rule: what's important to him, I try to empathize. What's important to me, he tries to empathize. Okay, he didn't empathize very well when the cockroach attacked me while I stood at the kitchen counter slicing limes—with dinner guests looking on! See this blog post. Now that I've mentioned cockroaches, you have to see this blog post so I can reassure you that we don't have roaches, that we're clean people, that that sucker came in our house in an unusual way, that it never happened before, and it's never happened since.
In marriage, we need to be able to talk to each other, and not make light of the other's feelings or concerns.
3. …someone I can have fun with.
"What are your common likes?" he asked. "Kristy and I like to read—we occasionally go to the library together or a bookstore. We enjoy bicycling, walking, going to the beach. We enjoy our children and grandchildren. We like to speak and teach together. We like to go see old churches and historic places. We like to travel together. We enjoy helping others."
What's something fun you've done with your spouse lately? Sometimes our daughters say, "Mom, y'all have the most fun. Y'all lead the most interesting lives."
If you haven't done anything fun lately, think of something, and go do it! Then comment on my blog and let us know about it.
4. …someone who really cares about me.
"To have a great friendship," he said, "there must be mutually shared interest and care."
I care about Milton, and he cares about me. We show it in many ways. If you haven't read the marriage book, The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman, you need to. It teaches you how to show your love to your spouse in the way s/he desires it to be shown, not necessarily how you want to show it. Neat concept. For instance, if you love surprises, but your spouse doesn't, don't give him surprise gifts or surprise parties (or at least expect him to be as excited about them as you are). Understand what he really likes, and give (or do) accordingly. Likewise, your spouse would do well to learn this important aspect about you and act on it.
5. …someone I can trust.
He said, "Someone I can trust…to be faithful, to keep confidence, and to be there for me."
I can trust Milton. He's been faithful to me. And I've been faithful to him. I know I can count on him.
You may say, "My spouse cheated on me." My response is, I know a couple this happened to, and the husband had a repentant heart, and they stayed together, and God healed their memories—hers particularly—and helped her forgive him, and helped him forgive himself, and that couple is doing great things for God today.
There is hope. Trust can be rebuilt. Love can be rekindled.
Be a friend to your spouse.
You'll have a Christian love story.
SEE THIS INTERVIEW OF ME, ABOUT MY LATEST BOOK
Amber Miller ("Tiff") interviewed my coauthors and me on her website/blog about our latest book, Kiss the (Cook) Bride, a 4-in-1 novella collection by Barbour Publishing. Thanks, Tiff! Coauthors of Kiss the (Cook) Bride are: Kristy Dykes, Aisha Ford, Vickie McDonough, Carrie Turanksy.
Tiff's interview tells how I came up with the concept of the book: four restaurant owners meet at a restaurant convention, bemoan the lack of Mr. Right in their lives, and then each novella tells their love stories. Fun aspects of the book: 1) they pass around an apron with the words "Kiss the Cook." The last groom crosses out "Cook" and writes "Bride." 2) There are yummy recipes at the end of each novella. At Tiff's website, scroll down until you see my book cover, and Check out the interview.
Kiss the (Cook) Bride just hit bookshelves in stores and at amazon.com and christianbook.com. It's already on the bestselling list of romance titles at christianbook.com!
WIN A CHRISTIAN LOVE STORY (NOVEL)
By commenting on my blog, you're eligible to win a free Christian love story (novel)--Waiting for Summer's Return (Bethany House Publishers) by Kim Vogel Sawyer.
posted by Kristy Dykes @ 7:12 AM
4 comments
4 Comments:
Hi, Kristy! I'm trying your method of replying to your blog. BTW, I love Milton's 'formula' for friendship in marriage.
Blessings, Bonnie
Thanks for your comment, Bonnie. I'm glad you found a way to post. Someone else had trouble, too, and then found a way. It has something to do with your identity. Not your real identity, of course, but one for Blogspot, below.
I find it interesting that you would choose to blog about being friends with your husband while offering Summer's story. Summer and Peter form such a unique, special friendship--your topic fits very well with one of the threads of the book. :o) I enjoyed reading your blog.
God bless~Kim S.
Thanks for visiting, Kim. Neat, about Summer and Peter's friendship! BTW, I put off buying my own copy of Waiting for Summer's Return so I could purchase it at the ACFW conf. and have you personally sign it for me. See you there.
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