GET SOME LAUGHTER...
Milton, here for Kristy:
We were winding down for the day last night and Kristy said, "I need some laughter. I told you to get some laughter."
I said, "You mean some jokes."
Kristy responded, "I need laughter."
"There were some jokes that were on your blog today. I'll go get them now."
(This is our four year old Claudia with her cast. She is smiling and I've heard her laughing. Laughter helps us through many tough places.)
"We need more laughter here. Get me more laughter," she repeated.
Well folks, I need a little help here. What's your best joke? Send it and we'll see if it passes the Kristy test.
We logged in on the Internet and found more laughter for Kristy and for us. Lighten up and laugh. You'll feel better. It is medicine.
(Double click on the above arrow.)
Hey, I added the video below later in the day. It is too funny. You got to see this. I will show this clip to Kristy this evening.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=7dj298NRTO8
***After all the fun we had prayer and sang together. Kristy wanted to sing children's songs and then we sang "Great Is Thy Faithfulness" as she drifted into sleep.God is good.
posted by Kristy Dykes @ 9:01 PM
31 comments
31 Comments:
Laughter is good medicine. Thank you Jesus. Little Claudia is a doll baby. Pastor Milton can you give me an email to you directly ?
Please send my love to Kristy to your family,, still praying.
you may email me at jgrace6760@comcast.net
This is a really cute video ... it made me laugh and smile ... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cXXm696UbKY
Still praying and hoping just like everyone else. And she's amazing ... such strength ... wish we could all be like her.
Ok...here are a couple to get you started. :-D
God said to Adam, "I am going to make you a helper, a companion. What would you like your companion to be like?" Adam replied, "Well I want someone that is humorous, witty, intelligent, compassionate, caring, loving, trusting, polite, generous and beautiful."
God paused a moment after Adam's wish list and told Adam that a companion like that 'would cost him an arm and a leg.' Adam seemed a little dejected and then brightly replied: "What can I get for a Rib?"
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A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."
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Keep laughing! Laughter truly is good medicine, straight from our Creator.
This is a cute one ;)
Star in the East?
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says,
"Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"
The mother says, "It's my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and says,
"Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Debbie is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Debbie?"
Debbie says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"
The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says,
"Is there something wrong out there doctor?"
The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"
Prayers being sent your way Milton and Kristy :)
Praying for you all. Hope this lightens your morning.
Here are some of the first place winners in the International Pun Contest:
A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my Electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said," I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to Spain, they name him "Juan"; the other went to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
The above joke "Star in the East" was posted by myself aswell :)
A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers told her students that she wanted each of them to have learned one fact about Jesus by the next Sunday. The following week she asked each child in turn what he or she had learned. Susie said, "He was born in a manger."
Bobby said, "He threw the money changers out of the temple."
Little Johnny said, "He has a red pickup truck but he doesn't know how to drive it."
Curious, the teacher asked, "And where did you learn that, Johnny?"
"From my Daddy," said Little Johnny. "Yesterday we were driving down the highway, and this red pickup truck pulled out in front of us and Daddy yelled at him, 'Jesus Christ! Why don't you learn how to drive?'"
Hope you have a day of laughter and peace :)
Take care
NickyK from Canada
Ok......I thought this was cute!
At Sunday school they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, Johnny what is the matter? Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
again ;)
NickyK
Here are some jokes for you that my father-in-law sent to me...
A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.
The nurse starts with certain basic items.
"How much do you weigh?" she asks.
"115," she says.
The nurse puts her on the scale.
It turns out her weight is 140.
The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"5 foot 8," she says.
The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5".
She then takes her blood pressure
And tells the woman it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" she screams,
"When I came in here I was tall and slender!
Now I'm short and fat!"
And now for a blonde joke...I am a blonde and my sister is one of you redheads(need I say more???) I really think that my sister wrote all of the blonde jokes in existance b/c she delights in telling each one of them to me.
Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'
The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.'
And now some jokes that my five year old son likes to tell over and over...
What do you call a happy cowboy?
I don't know...what?
A Jolly Rancher!!
Now for true funnies...when my son was two he would say really outlandish things and when we asked who told him that he would reply with "Jesus did!"
One day I got brave after he gave his usual answer and I asked him where Jesus gets his information from. He replied without skipping a beat..."From Fox News, Mommy!" Of course, why didn't I realize that!
These are some of the questions he throws my way, usually when I am driving.
Does the devil brush is teeth?
God says to love our enemies. The Bible says the Devil is our enemy. Mommy, does that mean we should love the Devil? (I almost ran off the road because of that one)
Sending laughter your way and many prayers, too!
What has four wheels and flies?
I don't know...what?
A Garbage Truck!!
Great jokes!
Please don't forget to stop by my blog today and read Kristy's devotional. Just click on my name, and then click on"Between Sundays."
It is amazing what laughter can do. Here at work just about everyday a funny gets passed around. Laughter is the best medicine. I have been praying for you and your family and the place where I work too, prays every Tuesday during prayer time for you. You both are truly a blessing, I have come in contact with some people that know you and they have told me what I see and read on the blog is truly you. Your marriage and your love for each other throughtout these bloggs have truly blessed me and my husband. Our prayer is as we continue to grow together in marriage we will have that kind of love for each other. We have been married for 8 years and with the divorce rates where they are, it is nice to see a Christian strong example for us as a Christian couple and parents too to know we can make it too.
Thank you for speaking into our lives.
Here is a funny or two from work I am passing along to you:
On the subject “Why Did God make moms?" the following questions were given to several elementary ago school children, and here are the best responses:
”Why did God make mothers?”
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
”How did God make mothers?”
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger
parts.
”What ingredients are mothers made of?”
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice
in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use
string, I think.
”Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom?”
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
”What kind of little girl was your Mom?”
1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty
bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
”What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him?”
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get
drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES
to chores?
”Why did your Mom marry your dad?”
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
”Who's the boss at your house?”
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a
goofball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
”What's the difference between moms and dads?”
1. Moms work at work & work at home, & dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause
that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.
”What does your Mom do in her spare time?”
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
”What would it take to make your Mom perfect?”
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of
plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
”If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?”
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get
rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who
did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on her back.
==============================
(Brief story you may have heard)
"Dear Lord," the preacher began with arms extended and a rapturous
look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..." He would
have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl (who
was listening carefully) leaned over to her mother and asked quite
audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?"
Church was pretty much over at that point...
and 1 more from youtube:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=j7yR1xcsyaY
Have a great day in God's peace and joy!
Hi Milton and Kristy,
I loved that photo of Claudia and the video of Kristy. I am praying you will enjoy laughter and sweet fellowship today!
Do stop by Robin's blog. There are some wonderful comments for you there.
Love from NJ,
Carrie
Part of a hilarious list:
5. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
6. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
7. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
8. REMEMBER - EVERYONE SEEMS NORMAL UNTIL YOU GET TO KNOW THEM.
9. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
There are actual bloopers from children in Sunday School:
In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
Adam & Eve were created from an apple tree.
Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
Noah built the ark, which the animals came on in pears.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.
Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like Delilah.
Sampson slated the Philistines with the axe of apostles.
Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.
Afterward, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.
The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The Fifth Commandment is humor thy mother and father.
The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Moses died before he ever reached the UK. Then, Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol.
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in the biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, has 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
When Mary heard that she was the Mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
When the three wise guys from the East Side arrived, they found Jesus and the manager.
Jesus was born because Mary had an emaculate contraption.
St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.
He also explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone."
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was by profession a taximan.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.
Nancy
I hope all of you laugh a lot today. How fortunate that we get to share, via the blog, whatever you are experiencing on a given day. There's laughter all over the world today as people read. Since laughter puts us in a better frame of mind, think how much better the world will be today as people read and laugh.
When teaching about raising chldren, I love stories of things kids say. They make you laugh and you know, in their innocence, they say the cutest things that actually make sense.
One of my favorites:
A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee.
The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup.
She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?"
Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.' "
Praying for your family,
Barbara Benton
Helena, AL
After looking at the laughing baby, I found this video. It is quite funny as well. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x3Rw_3ky-uo&feature=related
We love you and are praying for you all.
Love,
Howard, Ann and Adam
My favorite babies laughing. This is quadruplets:
http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=649912023
These are great jokes! Thanks!
Thanks Robin for sharing about Kristy. I hope everyone will go to to your blog and read the story you included that Kristy wrote.
The comments there are so encouraging and special.
Kristy is a woman of God. I know. I live with her.
Milton
Praying for you to have a good day and feel the love of others in these comments/prayers/jokes.
Jokes included -
*The Reverend Billy Graham tells of a time early in his ministry when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was. When the boy had told him, Dr. Graham thanked him and said, "If you'll come to the Church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to Heaven."
"I don't think I'll be there," the boy said. "You don't even know your way to the post office."
*The minister was preaching on the evils of drink. He first said he would like to gather up all the wine and dump it in the river. Then he moved on to beer and said he would like to get all the beer and dump it in the river, and then all other forms of alcohol to be dumped into the river. The choir director's face began to show a worried look. The first hymn they were scheduled to sing was "Shall we gather at the river?"
*A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer when all of a sudden he said aloud, "Lord grant me one wish". The sky clouded and a booming voice said, "Because you have tried to be faithful I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want to."
The Lord answered, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time to think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me".
The man thought for a long time and finally said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know what they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy?"
After a few minutes God said, "How many lanes do you want on that bridge?"
*from Annie at Shoutlife
shoutlife.com/lilyofthevalley
You blog brought laughter with it into my life today. :)
Hi Milton and Kristy - love y'all!
Just have to share a funny that happened to ME!
Everyone that knows me knows how I want things picture perfect, and I want all my ducks in a row. Well...one Wednesday night (years ago) at choir practice, following our Weds. evening prayer service, we were faithfully rehearsing our Sunday choir special. The soprano's were asked to stand and do their part, and the men's section was sitting directly behind us. My husband's best friend, Doug, tugged on my skirt and with a red face, sheepishly told me that PANTIES WERE HANGING OUT BENEATH MY SKIRT!!!!!! I plopped down immediately and saw that a pair of nylon panties had clung to my skirt, evidently when I'd dried it in the dryer, and when I stood up they slipped down about to fall to the floor! I stuck them in my purse, looked around to tell Doug thanks, and the whole men's section was cracking up looking at me like, "Did you lose your underwear, or what????" So, we stopped choir practice. The director said, "Cathy, would you like to share with us what in the world is going on back there?" I stood up and said, "YES, I JUST LOST MY PANTIES!" Well, I thought the whole choir was going to die before we dismissed - it was the most hilarious choir practice we ever had, definitely the most fun & I just laughed right along with them - everybody declared Doug a hero, for being brave enough to tell me! And, to this day.....I'm still reminded of the night I lost my panties at choir practice!!!!!!
Cathy, Tennessee
These are too funny!
We should have lots of laughter today.
It is 2:30 PM and Kristy just woke up. She is having a sleepy day, but she ate a plate of food.
She is getting her strength to laugh.
Milton
Here's a funny story from Debby (Miller) Clack:
I have a slight limp because of an old injury to my hip. A few weeks ago I was walking from my office over to the hospital on our campus, and a large lady was sitting outside the hospital entrance in her hospital gown smoking. She yelled, "Ma'am!! Ma'am!!" I ignored her, thinking she was talking to one of the many other folks walking around in the area. Finally I realized she was "Ma'am"-ing me. I said "Yes?" She said "Do you have a... do you have a...." (I was thinking, no, I do not have a cigarette or lighter for you!!) "Do you have a PROSTHETIC LEG?" (yelled at the top of her lungs) I said, "No, no I do not." She replied, "Oh. Well, I was going to tell you you walk really well for someone with a prosthetic leg!!" Thank you....I think.... :)
Sandra and Terry - it's wonderful to hear you singing.
We lov you guys and pray for you constantly. debby
Yes, he is.
My husband is a pastor so I thought Kristy might enjoy this little story....
One Sunday when my son, P.J. was about nine years old he stood with us at the door of the church greeting people as they left worship. Suddenly I noticed he was saying a peculiar word to everyone who passed by. He was saying, "Hey, Kaopectate." "Kaopectate, and God bless you!" With a polite smile on my face I grabbed his arm and between clenched teeth I said, "What do you think you're doing?" He replied, "Oh, didn't you know? Kaopectate. That's an Hawaiian greeting."
I took him home and showed him a bottle of the REAL Kaopectate.....he laughed so hard I thought I was going to have to give him a dose.
“Greet all the brethren with a holy kiss.” 1Th 5:26
Here you go. My kids love these two.
Q - What fruit can not run away and get married?
A - A Cantalope.
Q - What do bees like to do on Saturday night?
A - Stay at home with their honey.
May God give you two warm moments of laugther tonight.
Hi Pastor and Kristy, I have been following your journey through this rough patch of life and I am continually blessed by your sharing evidence of God's love. I hope this will bring a smile to your faces and joy to your hearts:
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark, saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Totally rattled, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yes," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who do you think you are, anyway?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses!" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot 'Moses'?"
The bird promptly answered, "The same kind of people who would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus'!"
I think true church stories (mishaps in church) are sometimes the funniest.
One time they had a cantata at our church and at a crucial point the narrator was SUPPOSED to say, "He is risen! He is reigning omnipotent! And He is Lord!" Instead she said, "He is reigning, he is impotent! And He is Lord!"
It was really hard for the people to stop laughing after that one!
Knock knock
Who's there?
Interrupting cow
Interrupting ...
Moooo!
What do you get when you throw a panda bear into a lake? A ponda bear!
A five year old boy had never spoken and it worried his mama to death. She tried everything to get him to talk, took him to specialists, had his hearing tested, all to no avail. One morning at breakfast the boy spoke! He said, "Mama, this toast is burned."
After his mama stopped crying, she asked him, "Son, why haven't you spoken before? You can talk! Why haven't you talked?"
The boy said, "Mama, there hasn't been anything wrong till now."
My husband has been telling this joke since we married nearly 29 years ago. Sadly, it's hitting close to home these days! LOL
An elderly man and his wife were sitting on the front porch. Too proud to wear a hearing aid, he wasn't making much conversation these days. Impulsively, she reached over and patted his hand. She said, "I'm proud of you."
He turned to her with fire in his eye. "I'm tired of you, too!"
The Lord bless you, Kristy, and all your family as well.
Jeremiah 29:11
Here are a few to add to the growing list. Enjoy!
A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners.
At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, Genesis 3:10."
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked."
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A Sunday school teacher began her lesson with a question. "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"
A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.
"Really?! How do you know?" asked the teacher.
"You know – Our Father, who does art in Heaven."
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At the end of their first date, a young man takes his favorite girl home. Emboldened by the night, he decides to try for that important first kiss.
With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, "Darling, how 'bout a goodnight kiss?"
Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
"No way. It's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I like you so much!!"
"No, no, and no. I like you too, but I just can't!"
"Oh yes you can. Please?"
"NO, no. I just can't."
"Pleeeeease?..."
Out of the blue, the porch light goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled. In a sleepy voice the sister says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for crying out loud tell him to take his hand off the intercom button!"
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After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams"
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The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two."
Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.
He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, "I'm glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us."
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What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness and a Unitarian?
Someone who goes knocking on doors for no apparent reason.
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Here's a few good ones to add to the growing list. Enjoy!
A boy asks his father to drive the car and the father replies "No, not until you cut your hair!”
The boy says "But father, Jesus had long hair!"
To which his father replied, "Yes, but Jesus walked everywhere."
This landed in my Inbox around Mother's day and made me chuckle. Hope it does the same for you.
WHY GOD MADE MOMS
Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of ?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between moms & dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2... Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.
What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it, and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head
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