Wednesday, March 05, 2008

FEAR CAME ON ME LIKE WHITE ON RICE

Yesterday, I was in my office working. I have four completed novels I want to see published. A fifth is approximately one-third completed, and I want to finish it.

Fear came on me like white on rice, a Southern saying. Which of the many versions of this story am I to use? I'd spent a year developing the story idea and a year creating the characters and plot while continuing to be published. But there are now five or six versions of this story with not only various openings but the way the novel is set up.

Mentally, I writhed. Which version to use? How'd I get to this place anyway—the only story that took this path? Many opinions. Writer friends. A hired profession editor. More people in the business.

Remember, my mind whispered, you don't have the stamina you once had. Before, you wrote eight and ten hours a day and felt only exhilaration not exhaustion. What are you going to do?

I can't do this. This is too hard. How do I choose the best version? It requires in-depth study and comparison and cutting and pasting and blending. Can I do this? No, I can't.

And then…and then…I heard the verse I quote all the time: "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Then I heard the words of the woman at The Healing Rooms in December: "Will you renounce fear? Will you repeat a prayer with me?" and I prayed the prayer she asked even though I had no fear at the time. I'd had no fear on the day of the dire diagnosis in November: you have GBM brain cancer, stage 4. That day, a cloud of peace had descended and never lifted.

But yesterday, fear gripped me. I was in anguish. Tears flowed. "You will have no fear," she had said. "And, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me," I said, hugging the words to me like I'm going to hug my daughters this week.

Suddenly the fear left. "You will get this done," Jesus whispered. "I will help you."

***

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your heart and your mind in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 4:6,7, NIV).


***

I tried to find a picture in my files depicting fear or gloom. But I couldn't. I always smile when the camera is aimed at me. My mother always said everyone looks better that way. :) I decided on a picture of peace. Our grandsons Alex and Nic built a fort at the zoo, working like Trojans, then lay down enjoying it with smiles on their faces.

5 Comments:

At 7:15 AM, Blogger Pam Meyers said...

Oh, Kristy, your post this morning made me smile. Isn't that so like us writers? Cancer? no fear Suffering through pain? no fear. Not getting our story right? Yikes!!!!!!!

I've been in your boat. Everyone has a different opinion. Take that line out. Leave it in. It works there. Start your story here . . . no, there. Etc., etc. Such is life in the writing world.

I think I mentioned before the time Jesus said to his very fearful disciples when he was walking on the water toward them. "Have courage. It is I. Don't be afraid." That's what He is saying to you now. Keep your eye on him and He will see you through this. Don't be like Peter who looked away while he was walking on the water toward Jesus. He did that and starting sinking. Don't look where you don't want to go.

Praise God that it's been almost four months since your diagnosis and you are still able to sit at the computer and compose. It may take longer, but it's a lot more than most doctors said you would be doing by this time. God is answering prayer!!!

Amen and amen!!!

 
At 1:27 PM, Blogger B. J. Brooks said...

Pam, your comments were Awesome.

This email crossed my desk this week and so expresses the way Kristy lives her life.

Happy moments, Praise God
Difficult moments, Seek God
Quiet moments, Worship God
Painful moments, Trust God
Every moment, Thank God

Kristy I praise God for you and your writing ability, I seek God on your behalf, I worship God daily as I know you do, I too Trust God
to take care of you, and I thank God for this Blog that has touched so many lives including mine.

Many Blessings,
B.J. Brooks

 
At 2:38 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

somehow i found your daughter's blog, and your blog. and while my heart aches for you and your family in this trial of cancer...i am so encouraged by the things you write and share.

i have fallen in love with a man who does not know Jesus. my heart is in pain. do i trust Jesus and walk away from this amazing man, or do i trust Jesus and continue to tread carefully in this friendship?

i am encouraged as you share your struggles - and although my struggle is different, i feel i am not alone.

and as you talk about surrending fear to Him, i am praying that i can do the same.

thank you for sharing your life.

 
At 4:50 PM, Blogger Kristy Dykes said...

Thanks, B.J., thanks, Pam. You two are such encouragers.

Thanks for the third comment. So encouraging to me. I will pray for you, that God will give you GUIDANCE and WISDOM and then COURAGE. God bless you.

 
At 3:00 PM, Blogger Shana said...

http://www.freerice.com/index.php
"White on rice" made me think of this site. :)

 

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