FEAR CAME ON ME LIKE WHITE ON RICE

Yesterday, I was in my office working. I have four completed novels I want to see published. A fifth is approximately one-third completed, and I want to finish it.

Fear came on me like white on rice, a Southern saying. Which of the many versions of this story am I to use? I'd spent a year developing the story idea and a year creating the characters and plot while continuing to be published. But there are now five or six versions of this story with not only various openings but the way the novel is set up.

Mentally, I writhed. Which version to use? How'd I get to this place anyway—the only story that took this path? Many opinions. Writer friends. A hired profession editor. More people in the business.

Remember, my mind whispered, you don't have the stamina you once had. Before, you wrote eight and ten hours a day and felt only exhilaration not exhaustion. What are you going to do?

I can't do this. This is too hard. How do I choose the best version? It requires in-depth study and comparison and cutting and pasting and blending. Can I do this? No, I can't.

And then…and then…I heard the verse I quote all the time: "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Then I heard the words of the woman at The Healing Rooms in December: "Will you renounce fear? Will you repeat a prayer with me?" and I prayed the prayer she asked even though I had no fear at the time. I'd had no fear on the day of the dire diagnosis in November: you have GBM brain cancer, stage 4. That day, a cloud of peace had descended and never lifted.

But yesterday, fear gripped me. I was in anguish. Tears flowed. "You will have no fear," she had said. "And, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me," I said, hugging the words to me like I'm going to hug my daughters this week.

Suddenly the fear left. "You will get this done," Jesus whispered. "I will help you."

***

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your heart and your mind in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 4:6,7, NIV).

***

I tried to find a picture in my files depicting fear or gloom. But I couldn't. I always smile when the camera is aimed at me. My mother always said everyone looks better that way. :) I decided on a picture of peace. Our grandsons Alex and Nic built a fort at the zoo, working like Trojans, then lay down enjoying it with smiles on their faces.