Saturday, August 09, 2008

PLEASE FORGIVE ME

Milton, here for Kristy:

GBM brain tumors are horrible. They do terrible things to the mind. They rob. They change. They numb. They destroy. They attempt to kill love.

But they can't. God has the final word on what happens.

I have been transparent, but not totally. No one really is totally transparent. There is always something there that is too personal, too sacred, maybe too shameful to share.

You have watched closely and carefully of unusual moments that are rarely shared so openly. Not because of my will, but because of Kristy's desire. We both are public but yet private people. Is that a contradiction? Not really for you are public and private too.

Kristy wanted this story told. She made me promise and so I write. It has grown in me and you have read, watched, and listened. Some say they have learned. Maybe more will listen and learn before this story concludes.

I will tell you this. If you go back to the Wednesday before Kristy went into Community Hospice, something beyond miraculous took place. I have used the word miracle several times and there have been miracles happen in this christian love story. I suspect every really good christian love story has several pretty amazing miracles. This story is no different.

But again, on that Wednesday I had come to the end of the road. The tumor in Kristy's head was shaking her, changing her, exaggerating life. She did have a cloud of peace and a chair of strength, but they were challenged by this wicked work in her head.

You cannot understand really what I am writing. You would have had to have been there to comprehend it. Just the day before, we had returned from our last get-a-way and on the way back home the intensity of this tumor turned into turmoil. It wasn't Kristy. The turmoil had been brewing slowly and then with private outbreaks for some time. She could not help it. It was beyond her. Her sweetness was being robbed. Her joy was being attacked.

It is too difficult to describe what was happening to her and to us. No matter what I said or how much I tried to anticipate nor how much I prayed, I could not resolve the attack on her and us.

That Wednesday afternoon, I called her friend, Sandra, to stay with her while I went to church. I was at the end of my road and didn't know what to do. I called sis on my cell in the church parking lot before heading into the service and we prayed. As I stumbled into church late on that Wednesday evening, I can't tell you the uncertainty, the question, the concern that was in my heart as to how I could cope with returning to Kristy, my dear sweet lover and wife.

Church ended and reluctantly I headed home. I walked into the door and Sandra left. Kristy and I were alone again, but sweetness had returned. The trauma was gone. The cloud of peace took over and the chair of strength held strong and had prevailed.

Kristy held me and cried and expressed her sorrow over actions that were not hers. Please forgive me she begged and I forgive you she said and we held each other and cried and wept. I cannot die this way if God doesn't heal me. I want us to have tenderness and love not sorrow and trouble.

The night turned physically painful and the morning brought more and more pain. But never, I say never were those tentacles able to control to override our love. The agitation and mental conflicts were gone. There was a huge trial yet to be faced but now it would be faced hand in hand in love. This change did not happen because of pills or drugs or more surgery. Prayer and Jesus and His love overpowered the storm. They said the agitation and anger toward her caregiver would grow worse by the day. It didn't. Jesus stopped that part of the storm forever. It never returned.

At 6 PM on Thursday Kristy was transported by ambulance to the Community Hospice Center and stayed eight days.

From that Wednesday evening on, there was a tenderness and sweetness so special and sacred you cannot imagine. The Lord stayed the power of that tumor and the pureness of our love that we enjoyed throughout our marriage returned. We walked into and through the valley of the shadow of death and have no regrets. Jesus kept our love. Norma said I kissed Kristy 50 million times. Our loved turned sweet until the journey ended. That my friends, is the faithfulness of God.

At the Community Hospice they prepared me to expect very bad issues that trouble spouses with GBM tumors. They told me caregivers become punching bags and the focus of external abuses that are hard to contain.

But that night, that Wednesday night Jesus took over. Losing your lover is very hard to do. Losing mental capacity to function is so wounding and terrible. God was merciful to Kristy and to me. We were able to walk those last miles of her journey with love more sweet than sweet should ever be.

Watch the videos and read the blogs during her hospice stay and the weeks that followed as she returned home. You will see a woman weakened and struggling who died, but died with peace, joy, and her lover by her side.

Ours is a christian love story. We prayed. We trusted God. We remained committed by His love and grace. Our vows were for better or for worse. God's love overcame the worst.

16 Comments:

At 3:34 AM, Anonymous Sylvia Thomas said...

Bro Milton,

Our God IS truly an AWESOME GOD!I believe that the more you share these incredibly moving stories of your last days with Kristy on earth,the more grace & healing Father God will pour into your wounded & aching soul.Not many would have the courage & strength to share so deeply and intimately about you and your beloved during those fragile steps in the end. I thank God for your faithfulness.

 
At 8:54 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your blogs have been an amazing inspiration and witness to me from across the miles.

It has been such an awesome experience to read your thoughts and true devotion to Kristy despite the hard times. It has inspired me to keep on with my loved ones.... to never give up on God or the dear ones He has given me. They are just that - A gift that He can take at any second if He chooses.

Praying you have dear ones you can chat with and air your thoughts too.

Thanks so much for your honesty.

Lynette from Adelaide Australia

 
At 9:56 AM, Blogger Lee said...

Isn't it wonderful how God can take over and answer prayers in such amazing ways? You were so blessed to have your Kristy till the end.

Continuing to prayer for you and your family,

Lee
Western Australia

 
At 11:00 AM, Blogger Ane Mulligan said...

That was a powerful miracle of healing! I'm so glad you shared it, Milton.

My mother died of Alzheimer's but she grew feeble before she got to any combative stage, so she was easily controlled. Every day around 4 in the afternoon, she would become agitated. Daddy held her on his lap and read scripture to her. She calmed immediately. That was our miracle.

Kristy's testimony lives on through your blog posts, and yours grows daily. I pray for those who will read them as well as for you.

I can't imagine what those without the Lord's power do in face of that kind of trauma.

 
At 12:24 PM, Blogger Robin Bayne said...

Thanks again for sharing all this Milton. Most of us can't even imagine what you went through, and are going through. Sending love and prayer.

 
At 1:44 PM, Blogger Charlene said...

Our Lord is so faithful...that truly is a miracle and what a testimony to the care givers...

 
At 11:05 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

For some reason I found this blog the most heartrending and yet amazing of all that you have shared. I can't imagine how hard this time had to be for you and Kristy. To actually face the daily discouragement as well as pain had to be so difficult! And each day harder than the other. But yet as you said, somehow you both came to a turning point where you were able to face it without damaging your love. God truly enabled you both! Thank you for giving us this hope.

 
At 1:14 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Milton, I have been thinking back over these months and it seems almost surreal that Kristy is in heaven and you are picking up the pieces, retracing steps, and declaring God's goodness through it all. Life is truly but a shadow. Eternity is the real deal.

Nobody knows the depth of your heartache except Jesus. I believe He is answering your request when you asked Kristy to find him and request the strength you would need to carry on and fulfill the dreams you dreamt together. You are carrying out a promise, to complete the writing of this blog.

God is writing the story of your life day by day. Thank you for sharing even the hurtful moments. You're living proof that our God meets every need. Thank you.

 
At 10:59 AM, Blogger Loving Our Homeschool said...

What a beautiful, miraculous story you have shared in this post. Thank you.

 
At 12:26 PM, Blogger Gina Holmes said...

Milton, thank you for sharing that. Transparency is difficult but I think so very helpful to others. I'm glad you added this post for that reason. God bless you.

 
At 3:57 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Milton, I am a current caregiver for two elderly parents. My father is 100 years old and has
alheizmer's. I was trying to put him to bed recently and he got up out of bed and tried to go into the hallway in the all together. He has hit me (not meaning to)and said things that hurt. God has given me the strength to understand that he is not the same sweet person I have known and loved. My prayers are with you and your family.

 
At 6:58 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Milton,
This post is another justification for Kristy describing you as her hero. Everyone knows there was not a mean or ugly streak in Kristy's gentle nature and that outburst was the cancer warping her brain. In addition to seeing the toll on Kristy, I have agonized with a close relative who suffered a severe brain injury. But knowing the cause doesn't really make it easier to bear for the ones who bear the brunt of it. Thank goodness you and Kristy were spared ongoing months of that. You more than met the need, Milton. I respect and admire you more than ever. May God give you rest in your spirit and body.
Your and Kristy's friend, Kathy

 
At 7:57 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Milton,
God was good and heard yours and Kristy's heart. What a beautiful testimony of God's blessing through this storm. He was there...He's still here...

Thank you for continuing to share. May God bring refreshing to you spirit, soul and body.

 
At 10:56 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Milton, Today I heard someone said that it takes boldness to be vulnerable. It truly took the boldness that could only come from God to be so vulnerable. My mom is in hospital facing heart surgery and I have been fervently praying for her. I have been encouraged to trust God wholly as I continue to read this blog. Thank you again for sharing.

Vickie
MA

 
At 1:17 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I knew there had to be some terribly difficult times, dealing with the GBM. It can change a person so much, and it hurts the caretakers to be left to deal with this "stranger" who seems to have taken over. I'm very glad that things didn't end that way for you and Kristy.

 
At 4:05 AM, Blogger Barbara J. Robinson said...

A beautiful and tender love story that needs to be told to help others face such a crisis.

Barb

 

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