Friday, August 29, 2008

ROCKING ON THE FRONT PORCH

Milton, here for Kristy:

Kristy planned everything. She never let anything get by her without focusing on the details. That held true even in her dying process. Kristy told me what to do with her clothes and her jewelry. She always had a plan. 

She sat me down and told me that life would go on even after she passed. I begged her to stop talking about life after Kristy, but  she felt had to tell me it was OK to live and enjoy life. I couldn't’ bear hearing those words. It was painful beyond description, but she loved me and wanted the very best for me.


I really can’t believe that I am sitting alone typing these words. She is supposed to be here. I am not supposed to be by myself. This wasn’t in the life outline we had written. It is like the road I’m traveling has led to a darkened night, and I just drove off a cliff and am on a free fall. 

But I know God’s hand will reach out to catch me. Kristy and I lived almost 37 years with simple faith that He would work all things for our good. She knew that in time through God’s healing hand that I would be able to go forward in life.


These last weeks I have been surrounded by loving family and dear friends. I have made new friends in my travels too. But I felt a need to get alone by myself for a couple of days. I looked on the Internet for B&B’s in New Bern and found the Harmony House Inn so I have been here reflecting and sorting out things in my mind. 


I am sitting on the front porch of the B&B watching joggers run by, and visitors strolling up the street. A lady just got out of her SUV with a work bag and headed into the residence next door. Life goes on.

That is the point. Life goes on. Kristy knew that and she tried to prepare me. Tears are flowing down my cheek--hot tears, loving tears, lonely tears. 


Where is she? Why can’t she come back? How long will I hurt? This is too painful. We’ve tried to live right and do right. Why do bad things have to happen to people that have tried to do right?


I can still see Kristy’s loving eyes looking at me trying to prepare me for today. She did love me. Oh, how she loved me, and oh, how I loved her. 


Her words still ring in my hears, “Milton, you can make it. God will help you.”


19 Comments:

At 7:36 AM, Blogger Missy said...

Just wanted to let you know that a young woman in Ohio is praying for you, Pastor Milton.

A love like what you and Kristy shared is such a beautiful gift - one to be cherished forever. Praying that HE - the only One who can fill the void in your life - will continue to bring you peace.

Missy in Ohio

 
At 7:50 AM, Blogger Pam Meyers said...

And an older woman in Illinois is praying for you, too!

I can't begin to imagine the pain you are going through now. Having never been married, I haven't lost a spouse although I've endured the pain of my best friend dying, and my parents and other extended family.

In Isaiah God tells us he will be with us when we go through the river and the fire. He says "through" and that means we will reach the other side. I know God will strengthen you, Milton, as you endure the pain and you in turn will be able to comfort others in similar pain down the road.

 
At 8:25 AM, Blogger Jennifer said...

Only God knows the depth of your pain, Dad.

I too just can't believe she's gone. It hurts so bad. Life for all of us will go on, it will just never be the same. It's up to us to forge ahead and find happiness again.

Hold on to us, Dad. To Alex, Nic, Claudia and Lorenzo. They need and want you so much.

I love you and am praying for you.

 
At 8:59 AM, Blogger Carrie Turansky said...

I'm praying for you too, up here in NJ. I'm asking God to pour out His comfort into your heart today. One step at a time, He will lead you on the path He has for you. There are many who love you and need you and are waiting for your return.

Sending prayers from,
Carrie in NJ

 
At 9:11 AM, Blogger Robin Bayne said...

Still thinking of you and praying.Keep that chair rocking.

 
At 9:17 AM, Blogger lene said...

God is with you and the family during your grief.

Milton, Kristy was your soulmate. I cannot imagine the depth of your grief.

God is holding your's, Julie, Jennifer, and the extended family's hands through this most difficult journey

 
At 9:31 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Brother Milton, to those of us participating in your painful journey--reading your blog and praying for you--you are truly an example of courage and faith in action.

You could've easily fallen into routine, doing only the bare necessities to get on with life. BUT YOU DID NOT ALLOW THE ENEMY TO CLIP YOUR WINGS! You've been an inspiration to me. It's been all too tempting to crawl into my shell. Watching you get out there with friends and family and new adventures has given me the impetus to do likewise.

Bless you, dear brother.

 
At 9:37 AM, Anonymous joe said...

Praying for you.

 
At 9:39 AM, Blogger Kim said...

Brother Milton,
My prayers continue for you here in Alabama. I still stop in every day to see how you are doing. God will see you through this pain into a good place once again.

You are not alone. Rest in God's promises and know that you are loved. My prayers continue.

Kim

 
At 11:03 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Milton,

A pk in California is praying for you and believing that God's presence and glory will consume you to the depths of your soul during this time. You and your wife have inspired thousands with your lives and your words. It is with complete amazement that I read your words daily as you fall into this place of grief and loneliness...yet, you continue to write and pour yourself into this blog. I believe that God led Kristy to begin this blog for your healing and strength during these long lonely days. Rest in Him.

 
At 11:13 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Milton, many times as the waves oflife have almost overcome me, I have listened to this song by Selah. It can be heard on Youtube by typing in Selah Be Still My Soul. God is so present in the time of trouble.


Be still my soul,
The Lord is on your side
Bear patiently
The cross of grief or pain
Leave to thy God
To order and provide
In every change
He faithful will remain.

Be still my soul
Thy best, thy heavenly friend
Through stormy ways
Leads to a joyful end.

Be still my soul
The waves and winds still know
Still know
His voice who ruled them
While he dwelt below.

Oh what peace we often forfeit
Oh what needless pain we bear
All because we do not carry
Everything to God in prayer.

 
At 11:13 AM, Anonymous Rhonda said...

Milton, I am reading a book that is bringing God's comfort to me as I walk through a time of deep grief and sadness due to the loss of a dear family member in June. I hope this helps you as it has helped me.

From the book, Embracing the Mysterious God by James Emery White: " Psalm 42 - Here is someone hungering for a word from God. He alludes to a difficult time, a season where he has been calling out to God in the midst of pain, grief or confusion. From all angles it appears as if God is silent to his cries. But the psalmist comes to see that there is no silence; the answer coming from God is deeper than words. God is present, and speaking, but what he's saying isn't resting on the surface waters of life. This is a season where deep is calling to deep or, as Thomas Kelly phrases it, a time of going 'down into the recreating silences."

 
At 12:38 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Here in Tennessee, it's a hot, humid day again today. Seeing you sitting on that porch, there, in quiet solitude while rocking away, brings tears to my eyes. True, Kristy should be there with you. God chose to take his angel, and your angel, home. The lonliness must be unbearable. But, our dear, precious Milton you are a survivor. Think of the many, many souls you have counseled in times such as these. Remember what you've said to them, though now your words will be much more heart felt and meaningful, as you have first hand experience at losing your soulmate....and going on, even as difficult as it must be. Your blogged words have inspired us, daily. Your determination even on the darkest days, to get up, to keep going, to be with friends...to record your travels. It's all so inspirational to all of us who love and admire you, at a distance. We have grown to NEED you in our everyday lives, the inspiration, the soul searching, the questions. It allows us to all feel close to you, to hold you up in prayer and support you at your time of need. But, none of this takes the place of your beloved. This we know. Your family and friends love you so much. We want what is best for you, and remember God always knows what we need, even before we ask. Don't forget to LEAN ON HIM, even for the tiniest need or desire in your life. We're out here pulling for you, Milton - always!

Praying for you today!
Cathy (Tennessee)

 
At 6:01 PM, Blogger Luanne said...

Prayers also from Michigan.
Milton, Your words express your sorrow so succinctly that we all feel a touch of your pain.
Your journey thru this pain is one no one can take for you as you know.
I'm not sure any one is ever prepared for the grief they will experience when their love one passes from this life, but you have shown both your strong side and your more vulnerable side and God is glorified even when you are asking why.
Luanne

 
At 8:01 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I found myself humming "Leaning on the Everlasting Arms."

Precious ones slip from our life. We cannnot stop God's provident hand. We trust only that He truly knows what He is doing, that in time, the sting will lessen and our joy will return.

But oh, how it hurts in the meantime.

Your honesty and transparency is a wonderful thing, because too many people (even believers who want to appear strong) muddle through the days of grief in such pain and sorrow, yet won't let others in. How can we pray for one another and "bear one another's burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ" if we're not allowed in?

You are giving the world a gift--and I mean this from my heart--by continuing to write in this blog, Milton. Please don't stop! It would grieve many of us who feel that it's a foretaste of what we will one day face ourselves. For every couple, one will sorrow. I don't know which it will be in my case, but I know that God will hold my hand as He is holding yours.

Kristy was right. You can make it. God will help you. It's obvious that He is. May He bless you with a restful night's sleep and a bright outlook as you begin another day tomorrow. You are supported by prayer warriors everywhere. You are dearly loved.

 
At 10:24 PM, Blogger Eileen said...

Praying in San Antonio.

 
At 12:25 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are still living such a beautiful love story, will continue to pray for you and your family.

Teresa /Alabama

 
At 1:32 AM, Blogger DayleShockley said...

It must feel like an amputation, losing your mate of 37 years. Keep writing about it; it's such great therapy for living through loss.

 
At 4:19 AM, Blogger Barbara J. Robinson said...

It's so hard to go on when you lose your other half, or lose loved ones who were such a part of you. I remember my little sister asking the same questions you expressed when we lost our mom. She even said she knew Mom would come back, if she could. As to where she is, she's in heaven waiting for you to join her again one day, when your time comes, but for now, God is not ready for you, and you must move on as painful as it is.

Writing helped me deal with the loss of my mother and the little sister who was grieving her loss so. It was so hard losing them both only six years apart. I wanted to write a book about it in hopes it would help others with the grieving process, but publishers didn't seem to think it was a worthy book. It was great therapy for me, though. I still believe people could use such a book. I think it helps to read about others who have gone through the same things you have, but I'm not a publisher. Regardless of getting anything published, I still write about them,and the writing still helps heal. Maybe one day I'll figure out a way to get a publisher's attention.

Writing is the best way I know to heal. It helps me. Writing out my feelings and expressing myself eases the pain and loss and helps me gain insight. It is sad that bad things do happen to good people, but God has His plan for the overall good, and He knows what he's doing. Through your pain and loss and Kristy's, many others will be blessed and saved. Kristy's books and your continuing the blog she started is reaching out to and touching so many other lives and truly making a difference. Kristy would have wanted that.

God bless you.

Blessings,
Barb

 

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