Thursday, March 06, 2008

"MY HEART IS IN PAIN," SHE SAYS

Dear Kristy:

Somehow I found your daughter's blog and your blog. and while my heart aches for you and your family in this trial of cancer...I am so encouraged by the things you write and share.

I have fallen in love with a man who does not know Jesus. My heart is in pain. Do I trust Jesus and walk away from this amazing man, or do I trust Jesus and continue to tread carefully in this friendship? I am encouraged as you share your struggles - and although my struggle is different, I feel I am not alone. And as you talk about surrendering fear to Him, I am praying that I can do the same.

Thank you for sharing your life, Kristy.

***

Kristy: Thank you for sharing yours.

Milton: The greatest joy in our marriage has been our shared faith. To have a spouse to believe with you and pray with you is beyond any treasure of this life.

Kristy: To have a Christian husband who is "standing with me" (supporting me and helping me) through brain cancer is a blessing. And who has "stood with me" our whole marriage. Does that mean it's been a perfect marriage? A 100 percent happy marriage? (Aside: a joke: a man said, "I was happy one day and married the next! Haha) Has our marriage been a cavorting-through-the-daisies-together-marriage? A thousand times no. My philosophy is to work through your problems, if possible. And if he or she won't, kick him/her in the backside. Haha. Kidding! Seriously, marriage is tough enough without throwing a person of unlike faith into the mix. Select carefully.

Milton:
Don't go against what you know in your heart is right. Don't convince yourself of something that isn't true. Don't settle for less than God's best.

Kristy: Wait for God's choice. I know that's hard. I know of many people who are doing that/have done it, and it's a tough spot to be in. I memorized Ruth Bell Graham's prayer-poem entitled "Let Him Be Like Thee" when I was a teenager. Mrs. Graham prayed it, believing God's choice for her, and God sent Billy Graham. I prayed it, too, and God sent Milton Dykes. Again, is ours a perfect marriage? No thing is perfect, and no person is perfect. But it's a solid, wonderful marriage. If you've read Mrs. Graham's books, you know she was candid about their relationship. She said there were challenges, but their commitment to Christ and each other helped them make it.

Milton: Loneliness is not reason enough to go against God's Word. "Do not be yoked together with unbelievers..." (2 Corinthians 6:14, NIV). The burden on the other side of marriage exceeds the loneliness you may feel now.

Kristy: I'm praying for you. My heart aches for you. People sometimes enter marriage thinking this man or woman is going to bring them happiness and fulfillment. No person, place, or thing can do that. "Only Jesus can satisfy your soul," an old song says, "and only He can give you peace, and make you whole. He'll give you joy you never knew, sweet love, and peace, and heaven, too, for only Jesus can satisfy your soul."

Milton: Trust Jesus to bring the right person into your life. He will not fail.

Kristy: Let the comments come...what's your advice? Opinion?

13 Comments:

At 3:52 AM, Anonymous Dad Dykes said...

I'm Milton's Father. I agree with Milton and Kristy's counsel to you.

Before I married Milton's Mother, I was engaged to a wonderful Christian girl. As I earnestly sought God for His approval to marry her, He said, NO! The engagement was ended for that reason only.

Later Milton's Mother and I became engaged and were married. We have shared God's wonderful blessings and happiness for 63+ years and still counting.

Go for God's will, choices, happiness, and blessings.

Dad Dykes
Minister

 
At 8:10 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I agree with Pastors Milton, Dad Dykes & Kristy.

Yes, waiting is difficult, but you want only God's choice for you. And even if a believer comes along, as Pastor Dad Dykes said, you still have to pray for a yes or no from the Lord.

If the Lord says, "No," we'd do well to heed His voice because He want the BEST for His children. God created you, and only He knows your heart and your purpose here.

Mercy and grace to you. I trust the Lord to speak to you in a clear voice. Jesus said, "My sheep hear my voice." That's one of my favorite promises in the Bible.:-)

Abundant blessings & God's peace,
Nancy

 
At 8:12 AM, Anonymous Carrie Turansky said...

Don't be distracted from God's best in your life. Though you feel a strong attraction and maybe even love for this man, without the spiritual dimension in your relationship you will never experience the wonderful intimacy that comes from sharing spiritually.

You must think ahead to the challenges and heartache you would face if you follow through with relationship. How will it affect your children? Without a father who is a spiritual leader in your family how will your children learn what it means to walk with Christ?

You will face constant choices about lifestyle choices, how to spend money and time, and you may find yourself in constant conflict with this man who would base his decisions on what the world says rather than the wisdom from God's word.

Most of all I think you would find it a very lonely road when you could not share this most sacred and special part of your life with him.

Step out in faith and obedience and give God a chance to bless you with His very best.

Blessings,
Carrie

 
At 8:45 AM, Blogger B. J. Brooks said...

I would go so far as to beg you to heed all this wonderful advice.

I was married to an alcoholic for 19 years, (he died from his accesses) he was a wonderful man, but we were very much Unequally Yoked to one another and so many trials and tribulations came because of that. I have a book in progress entitled Unequally Yoked to A.A. (An Alcoholic). If I can ever finish it I pray it will help others. My problem with writing it now is I'm so incredibly happy with God's Choice for me, it's hard to relive some of those moments.

After my husband died I waited almost 4 years to open my heart to anyone else. I told God if he would send me 1. A Christian,and I quote (Bible toting Christian) 2. A non-smoker 3. A non-drinker 4. Someone who had been married a lot of years and knew how to treat a woman. 5. I did not want a Project Man (man that needed refining). If he would provide all of that then I would be willing to try again.

And you know HE did send me that man, through E-Harmony of all places. His bio said the last book he read was the Bible. He was married 30 years to a wonder woman, on his own for 5 years after she passed away. Doesn't drink, quit smoking after she died. (God was refining him for me, or so I tell him) One final thing, he is not a Project Man, not mechanical in the list and I'm sure God knew what I meant but with his sense of humor, watch out for what you ask for.

Many, many, Blessings and Wait on the Lord, it is so worth it.

As always Kristy and Milton you have blessed us all.

B.J. Brooks

 
At 8:54 AM, Anonymous Nan S. said...

I married the wrong person, an alcoholic, the first time, and he attempted to take my life. He later committed suicide in jail after threatening his second wife.

My second marriage has been a blessing. We didn't start out together with Christ, but very soon we both were "married" to Him. Our marriage is built on Jesus, the only Foundation, and we trust Him with everything we have: our material things, our children, our very lives. I am so blessed that my husband doesn't drink, and that he loves Jesus as much as I do.

Yes, you still go through difficult times, but with God in both your lives, anything can be worked out through Your faith and trust in Him. He WILL sustain you.

I pray you talk to God about this, and maybe step back for a while, until God gives you the go-ahead. He only wants what is best for you.

Thank You, Kristy and Milton, for sharing your beautiful lives with us. We are uplifting you!

 
At 9:13 AM, Blogger Anna Dynowski said...

When I was 25, I finally surrendered to the LORD my desire for marriage. I so wanted to be married but no matter how much I wanted it, God seemed to say 'no.' I couldn't meet anyone, it seemed. So I decided I would do things God's way. If He wanted me single, much as I hated the idea, knew I would be lonely, but I accepted His will.

IF, I decided, I was to marry, then I told God the man had to have a love for Him. If not, I'd gladly remain single. I didn't want my home to be characterized by anything other than God's peace.

I think God has a sense of humor.

Three weeks after my surrender, he sent me Henry (and through a personal ad in the paper!). I thought I was a practicing Christian and in love with Jesus, but I had nothing on Henry. Through his strong, vibrant faith, I grew in my faith. We've been married for 23 wonderful years.

In looking back, God's choice of a husband for me, in His perfect timing, was designed, not only to give me a loving marriage, but also, through Henry's "mentoring" me in the faith, I am able to now write Christian romance fiction pointing readers to Christ and strengthening them in their faith.

It's good to be faithful to Jesus and wait on Him for His choice of partner for us. So many lives may depend on your choice to be obedient and patient.

God Bless!
Love & Prayers,
Anna

 
At 10:01 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Milton and Kristy, As always, your council is great! I gave my life back to the Lord at 24 yrs old. I had fallen away but through God's grace and mercy was back in His arms. I only wanted, this time in my life, to be married and start a family. I felt like I had wasted too many years and had dated enough. I just wanted God to "send me my husband". Every time I was at church or a church function I would be looking around at the single men and wondering if this one or that one could be "the one". One day in church as this thought came to mind, God spoke to me and said, "Keep your eyes on Me and I will bring you your husband." It was so clear that I couldn't deny His words. I started focusing only on Jesus and His will for my life and honestly the thoughts of a husband never crossed my mind. I was so enjoying my relationship with Jesus. One day I walked into church during what our pastor always called "the love fest". It was just a time at the beginning of service when we all just greeted each other in love. My pastor caught my eye as I walked down the aisle into church, late I might add. He had been watching for me. He met me half way down the aisle to say to me, "Guess who is getting on his motorcycle and coming to town tomorrow?" The Holy Spirit leaped in my spirit and said, "Your husband." You see, when I was 14 I fell "in love" with his brother in law. We went together until he turned 18 and I was not yet 16. My mother considered him a man and therefore told him that he had to end our relationship. We had gotten our eyes off God, as teenagers sometimes do, and on each other. Now after trials in his life he was coming back to town for a 2 week vacation. His sister and brother in law had been praying for this. I told God that I would not consider dating him unless he gave his life back to Him. He did just that the first night he was back and 27 yrs later we are happily married, with two beautiful adult children and our first grand baby.
All of this to say, keep your eyes on Jesus. Make Him your only one. Fall in love with Him all over again. He will bring you THE man He has for you. It works!!........Jeri

 
At 10:03 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing.

Remember, you have fallen in love with Jesus, first. I know you are saying: 'Do I trust Jesus and..., or do I trust Jesus and... How about, "I trust Jesus.(period)and put a period on the relationship. Follow Jesus, the author and finisher and He will complete the and...

God knows everything there is to know about Love. God is Love. He loves you.

Love,
C

 
At 3:23 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

if i am truly to supposed to say goodbye to the most wonderful man i've ever met, please pray that God would walk with me every step of the way and guide me there - and give me the words. and please pray that this man would only be drawn more to Christ thru all of this - not away. thank you all. i should probably start my own blog, instead of taking up time on Kristy's! :) God bless each of you and i thank you for sharing from your hearts and lives. thank you so much.

 
At 3:46 PM, Anonymous Milton and Kristy said...

We are praying for you. Please keep commenting. We want to know how your are doing.

 
At 1:58 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The worst thing in the world, outside of denying Christ's offer of salvation, is marrying the wrong man. If he's the man for you, I believe he will come to salvation before you're married. Being unequally yoked is a heavy, heavy burden. I know many women who have gone against sound advice, and they regretted it for years to come.

 
At 8:09 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

THankyou for this confirmation. I have a wonderful man whom I love and have known since childhood, have had a marriage that the man that I married was a Christian and led me to the Lord and we allowed Satan to destroy our family 5 children later through alochol, other woman and drugs. I am single as I said and have known this man since I was 13 he is so good to me loves me we rarely fight and are best friends a great relationship but something is stoppping me (HELLO) I know the truth and I do not truly believe this is GOd's will for me WHY WHY do I stay? I have been in abusive relationships in the past and now someone is good to me I am afraid in some areas for change but then again I know I have Jesus and he has great things for me!! pray for me and of course I pray for Kristy Milton and your whole family, GOd is good all the time, Your such wonderful people!!
Love you

 
At 5:16 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jesus is the answer, thats true, but...this is my comment. In the very beginning I was absolutely clueless about anything connected to Christianity, except basic conceptions that we have as an orthodox country. I came to evangelical confession when I was around 20. I was full of hopes, dreams, and was looking ahead with a bright hope, that if you are strong, kind, outgoing person, you’ll reach everything in your life. I came to church curious, hopeful, and joyful. When I hit 22 I “left” the church destroyed, discouraged, and full of hurt. Well, someone can say I was not good enough, not smart, wise or organized. That’s of course partly true, was I wrong as a human, as a sinner – no doubt. The question is was I treated right and the way I’m supposed to? Absolutely no. In this article I’m trying to warn others, so that you’d not have a ruined life, relationship and future, only because of people that think they are better than you are.
So…I came to church and started to get to know Christians and The God, Christians became an example for me, the things that I saw on the outside were really wonderful, I felt like this is the place where I’m understood and accepted just as I am, the place where I can rely on people and tell out my inmost dreams and fears…how terribly I was wrong. I always believed in God, and do sincerely love Him. But when everything happened I started to doubt my very faith, and if I need to continue living at all. In about a year I met a girl in church where she was a leader, we liked each other at one moment, we talked for hours, and spend days together. I started to think that I don’t need heaven, I’m fine enough right here. We spent most of the time together, and she spent less time doing her ministry and spending less time with pastor’s family, especially with his wife and kids she used to play all the time. I liked the pastor, he seemed like a nice guy, I used to tend to trust people, thank God not anymore. One day she told me, that the pastor talked to her and advised her not to spend so much time with me, not to have me in her house alone, and in general not to have me alone near her, I could never understand that because I was always trying to please people, to do good to them, including pastor. I and her didn’t do anything sinful. That’s why I was in complete shock! He came up to me and explained it as a need for her to do more for God. How in the world can any boy/girl relationship grow on that basis? No way! It’s going to be killed, which basically did happen! It was a deliberate, thought through attack. I was young and inexperienced in relationships, that’s why I couldn’t understand what was right thing to do, I started to really believe that there’s something wrong with me, because of course they are older and more spiritual, but the need to see her was too strong. She was also fighting it, but because she was burnt on previous relationships she was more careful, and “respected” the higher authority, because the Bible says: “…respect and be obedient to any authority, since it’s established by God” Was Nazi authority established by God as well? I doubt it.
Several times we met together in the café, just two of us, I continued to call her and persisted on spending more time with her.
At the same time the pastor was making his own black work. He was threatening her to leave the church if she continues to meet with me, which for her as it appeared was not acceptable. He told me that she is supposed to lead ministry, and not to date, how he came to that decision? I have no freaking idea, but as he said: “God told me that.” Well God told ME that I love my girl! After I “disobeyed” a couple of times, he told me he was giving me the last chance, after that he’ll ask me to leave the church. I was struggling between seeing her, and do what I was told. Whoever loved, will understand me…not to see the one you love equals death. She was hurting, I could see it in her eyes, but since it wasn’t her first problematic relationship, she didn’t suffer as much. Apparently she didn’t love me.
At the same time I started to notice that the “body of the church” changed towards me. Leaders smirked, and avoided me, sometimes they even threw insults in my face, but not obvious ones. In general what I noticed, the biggest problem in church is hypocrisy, and so called religious leaders. Of course for me that was the biggest shock of my life, I’ve never been treated like that before, and even complete unbelievers didn’t hurt me that much. Of course they say: “the most hurt is from the ones that are close to you”.
Anyway its impossible to make this story short. The pastor said we can see each other in Bible studies or other events, which were miraculously canceled quite often, and created the situation when we could meet once or twice a week, and talk to each other sometimes only for five minutes a week! I was broken, no one seemed to understand, the church…the very church that was supposed to give hope and compassion turned down on me and despised me. It was a place filled with evil, all they preached in a matter of days vanished and became an empty sound, all they talked about for thousands of hours, was nothing but a movement of their mouths. In the 2nd Cor. it is being described in a very good way: “if I am ‘everything’ but don’t have love, I’m just an empty sound”.
I was on the edge, wired, nervous, desperate, without help, my own…I broke…, in one of the last days I tried to kiss her, I “committed sin”, the pastor asked me to leave the church, I expected that…I left the church, after some period of time I had a chance to return and be a part of that church once again, but I never did.
Have you ever heard the expression “Catch 22”? it’s when no matter what decision you make, you fail anyway. The whole failure in this relationship was predicted from the very beginning, someone can say “it is Gods will what had happened”, I don’t know about that, but I don’t think we should mix such notions as “Gods will” and “Satan schemes”.
Right now I’m married, I have a beautiful wife, whom I love very much. To say that I’m fine with what happened…NO, I am not. I wish it never happened. Many times after that Satan was trying to destroy my dating with my present wife through the church, or destroy my faith for the better. It failed, I’m standing on firm ground, and can recognize any of His schemes.
My advice to anyone who is dating, will date, or knows someone in that position – I advise you all, to be very careful with your love, don’t give a chance to Satan to crawl like a worm inside and eat it all. Love if one of the most precious moments of life, protect it, and if it’s necessary – fight…fight like lions for it, don’t be afraid, you WONT LOSE MORE THAN THAT EVER. Be very careful with telling someone you love her, because that’s what Satan is going to use against you after. A good friend of mine once said: “you made the biggest mistake in all of that, you confessed you love her, to pastor, to her, and to others, once you do that you are in trap, it can be used against you, she can say: “YES, NO, OR GIVE ME TIME” After that nothing is going to depend on you, you won’t be free. She can do whatever she wants with you. She can even look for a better match, while keeping you on the hook. You’ll be helpless, you going to call her but she’ll tell you she doesn’t have time, you’ll ask her if she likes you, but she vaguely answer that she needs time. Check the one you like, and if she is open and positive about you, slowly but CAREFULY push closer, if you feel like she’s backing out, it can mean only 2, and ONLY 2 things, 1st she needs time, or 2nd she’s dragging time because she doesn’t really care about you, and is keeping you because there’s no one around yet. In BOTH cases the only answer - is to back out, never push the process, however painful it is to you, believe me it’s checked in real life. You might have heard another very wise life thing: “if you are in a relationship and she doesn’t call, sometimes it’s very useful to give time and not to call first for a couple of days. It is good to pursue a girl, but to a point…
In the end I would like to wish to all people that strife for good, to seek what is good, cling to good people, and keep away from everything that makes you SICK. Don’t be afraid to be bold, to stand up, to say that you ARE human as well and you have the same rights, for God made us all free and gave us all equal rights.

 

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