Sunday, December 16, 2007

I CAN'T DO THIS!


All week, I couldn’t wait to get to church. Such strength it gives me. The worship/music, the prayers, Milton's sermons especially with their gripping anointing propelled by the things he and I are facing. I felt like David who said, "I was glad when they said unto me, let us go unto the house of the Lord" (Psalm 122:1). (The preach hit me: if you don't go to church or have dropped out, go find one this week. You never know when you might reach the point where you don't have the strength to go. Get involved. Teach a class. Take a turn in the nursery. Be a greeter or an usher or a parking lot attendant. Why? This will make you a pillar Christian. It will make your faith—and your knowledge of God—grow by leaps and bounds. Preach is over. J)

This morning, the service brought joy to my soul. Tonight was our annual drama/musical, and intertwined with professional-level music, we had Mary and Joseph and the Baby and the shepherds and the angels; and we had Mr. Grench with Broadway-par music backing him as he pranced around the sanctuary; and we had beautiful "Judy Garland" singing Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas;" and we had Scrooge and his nephew and the street urchins; and we had 9 children from our large, growing refuge group from war-torn Africa who have found our church, most of whom can't speak English, doing a river dance only we called it an African dance. Summing it up, it was fabulous—fun and touching and spiritual, turning our thoughts to Christ and His birth.

I slipped out during Milton's closing prayer as we had agreed and went to the church staff kitchen to wait for Milton to finish his pastoring. I recounted the service that morning and the musical. I thought about the two or three children who could've won $10,000 on America's Funniest Home Videos with their darling stage antics. And I heard the bustle of the crowd, and I envisioned them talking and showing their friendship.

And then I said to myself, You're so weak, you can't even stand up with the congregation to sing the songs. You can't mingle with your beloved parishioners; you have to sit here in isolation because you can't get a cold because you can't get locked into that mask with a cold. You can't go out to eat tonight with those who go after special events and Wednesday nights, for coffee and chatting, because you're so tired you have to go home and get in bed, like you did after church today.

You can't even let your daughter, who lives all the way in Puerto Rico and is staying in town to help me, come to your house tonight to watch the kiddies play a few minutes because they have colds and you can't risk…

I started crying, not the sobbing or wailing I'd done Wednesday. But a great tsunami of sadness hit me with a ferocity, and I kept focusing on the things I can't do. I can't clean my house (something I love to do; I know; I'm nuts). I thought of more things I can't do, like speed reading now, reading is laborious and unpleasant.

I thought about my "big novel" I've had to abandon because I can't write it.

You can't do this; you can't do that; you can't do this; you can't do that..

And then…

AND THEN…

I heard the Spirit of the Lord say to me LOUDLY, "WHO are you, Kristy?" My heart leaped in my chest. And I answered, with great authority, "I'm a daughter of the King, I'm the blessed of the Lord, I'm a highly favored one, I'm a child of God, I'm a blood-washed saint.

These thoughts and more poured through me bigger than the tsunami! The despair left IMMEDIATELY, and in it's place came PEACE!!

I'm at peace! I'm happy.

***

I'm at my computer, and Milton's at his, and I turned to look at him, and he propped his elbow on his desk and held his head in his hands. "This is so unfair," he said. "It's so unfair," and I jumped up and ran to him, and locked my arms around him, around his back, and pulled him close to me, and I started crying, and I told him what I was blogging about, and how these same feelings had hit me just 30 minutes ago in that lonely church staff kitchen where I sat all alone, but I said, "Milton, the Lord gave me a victory! The Lord gave me a peace!" And I could see him now because he turned, and his face was as bright as Florida sunshine, and we kept hugging, and I said, "I'm going to go write this blog post, and then I want to read it to you.

***

This morning, on our way to church, we had a flat tire. He pulled it onto a side street and called dear, faithful, hard-working, church staff member Robert, and within five minutes, two people were there taking us to church. Man, this church is good. And so is God!

Milton told the congregation during his sermon, "When the flat tire occurred, Kristy looked at me, and I looked at her, she looked at me, and I looked at her, and then we burst into laughter and laughed and laughed. He said to the congregation, "Did you hear the joke about the couple who were sitting there, and she cocked an eye at him, and he cocked an eye at her, and they were both sitting there looking cock-eyed at each other, and that is what we were doing."

And the congregation roared.

10 Comments:

At 10:15 PM, Anonymous Carrie Turansky said...

Dear Kristy,
Thanks for sharing about your day with us. I am glad you are focusing on what you CAN do and WHO you are. Those wonderful truths will carry you through. You've reminded me to be grateful and treasure the moment.

It's great to hear that you're receiving lots of love in the form of cards, gifts, meals, and flowers. Never forget how much we all love you. You are continually on my mind and in my prayers.

Sending love and a hug,
Carrie T.

 
At 11:06 PM, Blogger nannykim said...

There is such a rich spiritual side to the life in suffering; there is such a spiritual battle being fought all of the time that I think is more evident to our eyes when we are going through hard times. The battle is always there , but we are much more aware of it when we are facing suffering. I think also there is a beauty in Christ, and a beauty and richness in life that comes into sharper focus when we are in these life and death issues.

 
At 11:19 PM, Anonymous Dad said...

What a Pair!!!! You two are frustrating, confusing, confounding, and aggrevating the devil. About the time he (devil) thinks he has you hemmed in a corner; God comes and delivers you and gives you a victorious way out. PTL!! ;-)

Go ahead God and make a fool out of Satan, because You will have the final word. You are winning the 'battle' with God's help.

I love you........and God does two.

Dad Dykes

 
At 12:03 AM, Blogger THOMBU1 said...

Kristi I wrote this poem in a time of great heartache and trouble. It seemed as if God was speaking it to me. I may let you know wha the circumstances were at the time if God leads, but all I can say is I made it through this horrible time after writing this. Grace be unto you, tom

Destinations

In the depths of despair
Echoes of sweet mercy ring out
Filling my soul with hope again
As sure as the heartache
So is the voice of cheer
Calling out my new name
Chasing away my fears
Wondering thoughts surround me
Cluttering my minds dwelling place
Telling me there is no hope
And pain is all you’ll see
But in the midst of this great lie
Your voice of cheer breaks through my sky
And fills me with the truth again
Knowing what brought me here
To this time and place
Escapes my intellect, my thoughts unclear
I wish I knew how it all started
How all this fear and pain began
Why, oh why, my heart cries out
Why now Lord, why this?
My mind seems to shout
I’m taking you to a higher place
A place where you behold my face
A time where sadness ne’er appears
A time where pain is never near
I’ll fill you with a peace all mine
And keep you there till end of time
Don’t worry, don’t fret, I love you still
Be still and know I’m with you still
Please hear me whisper, I love you
I want to show you how much I do
You’re in my thoughts both day and night
I want to make it all alright
Please hear me whisper in your ear
Keep trusting me through all your years
I’ll never fail you, no, not me
I’ll walk with you eternally
Please keep me near your heart each day
And never forget to kneel and pray
Oh help me show the world, The Way
In my salvation every day
Speak words of truth and grace always
And I will hear you when you pray
Don’t fail me now with fears so deep
I’ll give you straight paths for your feet
Please walk with me on the narrow way
And I will uphold you by My grace
I’ll enable you to make it through
I’ll lead you there where your path leads to
And when you’re there my words will be
Well done my servant, look, it’s ME.

 
At 3:43 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow, Kristy, the Lord's brought you over one hurdle after another! You're doing better in this race than a marathon runner!

Valley...mountain top. Valley...mountain top.
The mountain tops are getting higher, and you're getting stronger with each climb with the Lord.

You and yours are in my prayers, Woman of God.

Much love always,
Nancy

 
At 6:59 AM, Blogger Pam Meyers said...

Kristy, Thank you for sharing your heart. It is in strength that you are able to share the valleys of this experience as well as the mountain-top experiences. God's strength.

I'm continuing to pray for you daily.

 
At 8:40 AM, Blogger Kristy Dykes said...

Thanks, all, for your comments. Dear Carrie, Pam,Nancy--writer friends. And Dad Dykes and all the rest. Love reading your comments. Beautiful poem, Thomas. YOu are talented. Thanks again, all.

 
At 10:25 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's a blessing to share glimpses of your day.

Kind regards,
Dshockley

 
At 4:29 PM, Blogger Ane Mulligan said...

Boy is it good to see you replying to comments again, Kristy. Every day when I read yoru blog, I pray for you. I'm believing God to uphold you and give you peace and a miracle!

Yoru redheaded blog buddy

 
At 11:55 AM, Blogger Kristy Dykes said...

Yes, at last, though again, reading is slower than writing. The brain is a funny thing, huh?

I always love hearing from you dear friend.

 

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