Friday, October 31, 2008

PEANUT....PEANUT BUTTER!!!

Milton, here for Kristy:

For over nine months my home was filled with loving caring family and friends who stood with Kristy and me before her passing. They walked through the valley of the shadow of death with Kristy and me. Our grandchildren were often here. The house was teeming with activity, love, and care. This evening as I write the house is amazingly quiet, cold, and still. I still feel all the love our my dear family, but the house is quiet--real quiet.

I am adjusting to this life change more and more. Even though the house is very still and there are no crying grands or noise, I sense daily that I am getting better and adjusting to where I am in this life change process.

The fact of Kristy's passing is settling in and the feeling of loss is becoming more apparent. That may sound silly or the obvious, but that is how it feels to me. I know that this leads to the next page in the book of my life. Where do I go from here? How do I handle these changes? I have had numerous family and even some friends who have lovingly spoken of the importance of moving ahead. I am doing that little by little as I walk through this part of my life journey. 

Kristy wanted the very best for me. Always, she wanted what was in my or "our"  best interest. I know that she still feels that way. She is pulling for me. She is rooting for me. I hear her cheers for me, it seems, in the most unusual times. I even felt her picture smiled at me over life decisions that I am making. Does that sound strange? I hope it doesn't sound to far out.

I am learning many ways to eat peanut butter and some new ways to actually prepare dinners. I have some very good cook books that I actually intend on using. I bet I can become a very good cook. That would surprise lots of folks. My Dad told me that he actually taught my Mom to cook. I never knew that he could cook. We'll see if I caught some of his cooking genes. I didn't get any of his "fix it" skills.

Moving forward to a new day is not easy when one loses such a wonderful wife, friend, and lover like Kristy. But as I have written, I will go forward to the destiny and plans that God has for me. 

That would please Kristy. 

That will please God. 

That will bless me.

9 Comments:

At 9:05 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

When one has been part of a whole (you and Kristy as a couple) it is a difficult process to move toward feeling whole as an individual, being complete in yourself. You are doing wonderful grief work. It is a process that can't be rushed. You may need to start converting you home to a little more of Milton and a little less of Kristy. It's a guy's house now.

 
At 9:38 AM, Blogger Jennifer said...

Yes she does want you to go forward. She spoke in depth about you to me, wanting you to go on with life after her.

My heart breaks that you return home alone each night.

It wasn't supposed to be this way, so we always thought.

With Halloween coming, I've been in tears for days. Remembering all the costumes she sewed for me, all the neat touches she put into them. I remember trick or treating with her, the Bartow Halloween carnival we'd go too. I remember when at that carnival I saw a green wig that I wanted SO bad. I begged and begged and she bought it for me.

She was a wonderful, mother. I'm not just saying that because she's gone, it's really true. She went above and beyond for her family. She put us all first above herself.

I miss her SO much. The only comfort I find today is trying to be like the mother she was...

I woke up early to braid Claudia's hair like Bell's from Beauty and the Beast, she has a Hallween party at school. Later at an another party today she's going to be Arial, the little Mermaid. She can't decided between all her costumes (that I didn't sew!) so I told her we could take as many as she wants and we'll do costumes changes throughout the party!

While my heart breaks everyday at her loss, I thank God she was my mother! I got to have HER as my mother! There are so many children who don't have a mother, and I got to have her. She made my childhood warm and bright. She inspires me to be a better mother.

 
At 10:54 AM, Blogger DayleShockley said...

Jennifer's comments always touch my heart. As a mother, I can only hope that I'm leaving such an impression on my own daughter.

Bless you, Milton. You are making great progress.

 
At 11:07 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think the Lord must and has all along given you more strength and ability to cope than I would have. But He has his reasons for that too. These next years will not be wasted. God will use you in them and even though this process will be a long one, God will see you through it.

 
At 11:11 AM, Blogger Gayle said...

One day at a time. One recipe at a time. Loved Jennifer's memories of the green wig. :-)

 
At 11:31 AM, Blogger Carrie Turansky said...

Hi Milton,
Thanks for sharing how you are doing. None of this sound silly or obvious. Your thoughts and feelings are unique and special because they are yours. Yes, I believe Kristy is watching over you with a loving smile and she cheers you on each day. Keep moving ahead and I know God will show you the next step. When I am feeling overwhelmed, I've always loved what Elisabeth Elliot say, "Just do the next right thing." Great advice. Hope that will encourage you today.
Sending prayers and a hug from,
Carrie in NJ

 
At 11:53 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

May God bless you and keep you during the upcoming holiday season.

Beth Szabo

 
At 11:56 AM, Blogger Kim said...

Milton, the first week of September an aunt with whom I have always had a close relationship was diagnosed with the same type of cancer that Kristy had. She and my mom are the best of friends, and this illness has come upon us very abruptly.

My aunt is in her early 70's and decided not to have treatment of any kind. It has been two months. We are all taking our turn saying goodbye. God has been faithful and granted my aunt sweet, abundant peace during all of this. Her testimony, like Kristi's has been so bright! I honestly think that your journey has helped prepare me for my own confrontation with this thing called brain cancer.

I can't imagine the loss you and your children have experienced. But I do understand the peace that comes when Christ walks this valley with you. The pain is still very real, but the peace...that is all GOD!

I appreciate so much the words that you and your daughters share with us here on this blog. You are making such a difference in the lives of so many people! Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

Kim

 
At 12:07 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Milton, once again I will say that you're awe inspiring! I can see such progress you've made over the past almost 3 l/2 months. I praise God at how He's raising you. Raising you up to what the future has for you, and you're accepting his guidance. I pray God's blessings upon you, from the top of your head to the souls of your feet....you are blessed, my dear Milton.

Cathy (TN)

 

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